I love my job and my current work has given me the most joy and meaning work has ever brought into my life for which I am hugely grateful. And yet, there are moments when I struggle, there are many moments when I have big fat tears in my eyes – in the middle of my day, right when I wake or when I fall asleep.
And I will still tell you that my life is beautiful and full of meaning and purpose and that I am living my life in alignment with my values…
So, what’s really going on? I have struggled to figure out what this dichotomy is all about, why is there so much dissonance in certain moments. And I finally have my answer – I am expecting too much out of my work in this season of life, in this season of my career every single day. I know I am not ready to quit or change careers right now and I am hugely at peace for the most part. But, in those hard moments when I am exhausted and depleted and traits of my highly sensitive personality take over, I crave more meaning and more human connection and the desire to feel seen and contribute. I am hard on myself and question my courage, my decisions and my love for my dreams and callings in often unproductive ways.
My work has many components that feed many, many parts of me and align with my values. I have incredibly meaningful relationships at work where I am seen for who I am as a person. I know I belong. I have grown as a person, product marketer and a leader and learning is a very strong personal value. I enjoy the problem solving and intellectual stimulation that my work provides. If I were to work in a corporate environment, I wouldn’t want to work in any other function or company for the foreseeable future. I lead with my values and I am respected and recognized for the impact my style brings to the team. I admire the people I work for and respect the mission and vision of the organization I work for. My current project is my third baby that can be very difficult, cranky, whiny at times but I still love my baby and can’t part ways yet and want to see things through the finish. I value the financial stability as that frees up head-space and resources for other important priorities.
Yet there are days and moments when this doesn’t feel enough, things feel transactional, lack the soul, meaning and human connection that my heart craves for. I feel deeply to contribute more meaningfully in the world and be surrounded with people and relationships that matter. I dream of having my own mission driven company and a life with more freedom and impact beyond what I am doing. My heart yearns to teach yoga, to write, to coach, to be doing work that brings out the best in other people. I dream of contributing to meaningful issues impacting sex workers and orphan children – a population I feel deeply called to serve and yet so much of my day is spent doing work that is meaningful but again not enough to feed all parts of me. My dreams and the feelings associated with them can feel big and beautiful and sometimes I can get too hard on myself on why I haven’t figured out the what, the why and how I am going to get there.
And the reality is I want to take baby steps to get there. As much as I can articulate my dreams with conviction, I also don’t know if a fully different career and lifestyle will holistically serve all part of me and my family and all the trade offs that I will need to make. And I have found that simple steps, sometimes even 15 minutes of action toward this dream every day can be HUGELY meaningful in quieting the critic that say – “I don’t think your dreams matter, you aren’t doing anything about them.” When I take a few mins to schedule a coaching call, to write, to connect deeply with another human and care for them, to find a designer to redesign my website, to create that fundraising campaign to educate children born out of rape, I feel loved, my dreams feel loved and cared for and I feel grateful that I am contributing in the world with more purpose and strangely enough …
I find even more meaning, appreciation and gratitude for my work and the incredible team I work with.
So, I am committing to spending at least 15 mins most days tending to my callings to remind myself that they matter, that I matter and that I am on a path to designing the life that matters. I may ultimately find a hybrid portfolio career where I have my own business and I also work for someone else or maybe I will be 100% self – employed. To be honest, I don’t know, and I am okay with that (most of the time) as long as I am taking a step to designing the life I want to and the person I want to be.
P.S. – I recently finished my coach training and will be starting my certification where I will need to take on clients to complete my 100 hours. If you are curious or interested in coaching, reply to this email and we can chat!