I have a confession to make. I have had a very difficult relationship with my writing over the last one month. On one hand, I absolutely miss it and can’t wait to write down my thoughts and share my words and my voice. My journal has a lot of entries and there are sticky notes everywhere – at my desk, my wallet, my purse with ideas and thoughts
I haven’t been able to carve out the time or energy to write as much as I want to and I am still figuring out why…
Perhaps, it’s the sleep deprivation as my baby still wakes up multiple times a night to nurse so while I am still functioning well, my creative energy is at a minimum. My writing typically happens on a weekend morning when I wake up super early and head to a coffee shop but these days, I often sleep as I am in such a big deficit (I am yawning and rubbing my eyes as I type this too😊). And then, I also really have been wanting to spend more time with the kids. We have been going on fun family adventures that were much more challenging with school and I am absolutely loving that connection with the kids and my husband. I am already fearing that this window where we spend so much time with each other, where I am loved so dearly by my kids is such a small window that I truly want to soak it in as well as I can.
And yet, I am missing my writing and am struggling to do more of it.
It’s also a momentum & habit thing. When I don’t do something for a while, the habit starts dwindling and then I lose steam. I have also been exercising a lot more than what I have in the past and again that’s competing for my time as well but it sure has been a huge help in functioning with less sleep. Perhaps, it’s because my blog and identity as a blogger
is in flux – both emotionally as I am developing my new voice but also more tactically as my new website is still in the works. Perhaps, it’s the enormity of work that comes with two children and I am still transitioning to being a mom of two and not one. Earlier, I could optimize and write around naps, etc. but with two, I haven’t still figured out how to get their schedules to perfectly line up. The blessing often is that I then get some good soulful time with the other kid…
But again, I miss my blogging
The other unexpected (well, perhaps not that unexpected) part is the inner critic that shows up at these times and here’s how she can sound
- Wait, you were trying to build a community of parents with side projects and look at you, haven’t written a blog in about a month?
- You are thinking of stopping to write? What about all your big and grandiose dreams?
- You have the energy to go exercise and hike and organize a volunteering project and invest in a mutual fund but not to write?
- Have you seen your writing lately, it’s not edited well and it doesn’t have that richness as it once did?
I need to start with love and compassion for myself and gently saying – “no thank you” to my inner critic. Over the years, I have gotten better at not listening to her. She shows up, I notice and have learned to not value her as much as I once did. It is a tough (although rich and meaningful) phase in my life and I need to accept that my blogging pace will be slow. I need to feel grateful that I am spending my time in ways that align with my values and that my creative energy will come back. I can make some minor changes in my schedule and carve out more time but sleep deprivation will compete with creative headspace.
I also need to remind myself that this is also a part of having a creative project, especially as a working parent that there will be periods of lulls and energy dips where ideas will not flow through. Making time for what matters is often complicated and exhausting and that is the reality behind a lot of the work that looks well-polished on the outside. And going slow doesn’t mean I don’t care but that it’s a lower priority at this point even though I am still in love with my calling. It also means that “maybe” my calling will change and that is beautiful in its own ways too and I need to love myself “for” and “through” that.
And perhaps most importantly, I need to continue to write even when it’s not perfect – both the writing and my life and talk about the messy and complicated parts of pursuing my callings at this stage of my life.
And here is a sneak peak into a few images on my new blog homepage! Feeback and changes are welcome…