This week felt heavy. I could hold space for a lot of gratitude, the abundance around me, and empathy for where others were coming from.
But, deep down I was also longing for something more.
I was longing for richer connections and conversations, longing to be heard and seen, longing to express myself more fully, longing to do more meaningful work, longing to write (a lot of writing) and longing for more love, joy and space in my life. Vivaan and I were going on a mommy son trip this weekend and one of the highlights was reconnecting with a dear friend and having some good quality outdoor time with rich conversations and I was nostalgic for all the simple joys of my previous life, not knowing when this will end.
And yet, a part of me was scared to say this out loud, to give myself permission to cry. I have the best pandemic life in so many ways (and there is a lot that I am savoring!) and here I was longing for more. My critic was loud and clear in reminding me to simply move on and stop being so emotional…
And yet, I wanted to hold space for both – the savoring and my longings and these past few days the pendulum was shifting more toward pain with many, many moments of my eyes tearing up.
Ultimately I let myself feel all that I needed to feel, to stay curious about my feelings and honor my desires. I literally cried in my hour-long coaching session with Jac as I sat feeling sad, overwhelmed and alone. Having that space to process & name my needs and being held and seen by a thoughtful truthteller and a loving ally, I was able to love myself more deeply, connect more fully with my own inner leaders and see what needed to come through me and how I could best honor my needs.
After my work day ended on Friday, I gave myself permission to meditate and go on a family hike. As Sumit and I lay in bed, we brainstormed about the risks that we were willing to take, the trade offs and logistics changes for the next few months so we could continue to honor our needs and values in our new pandemic world. We gave ourselves permission to dream about our future and how we could make steps in those directions. Maybe work remote permanently and move closer to nature so we could spend more time outdoors, maybe, some day…
I slept really well on Saturday night , only Vivaan (typically its both!) woke me up and we held each other tight finding comfort in the warmth of our bodies next to each other and finally woke up together around 7 am. Saveer joined us a few minutes later and we all lay snuggled up in bed for over 30 minutes before I went to take a shower. Sumit and my sister were still asleep. I ultimately let the kids get their devices, put on the 30 minute alarm and told them I am leaving the house to “go to a park to write stories” trusting them to stay safe and that Sumit would wake up in a few mins (It was 8:30 at that time!). They did a pinky “kindness” promise to be kind and thoughtful with each other. I bought myself a croissant, used the sanitizer like a million times, (okay I am exaggerating) and finally walked to my favorite park with my journal and computer, birds chirping in the background and felt connected back to myself having nurtured my longing to write.
My heart felt full, more connected to myself and even more grateful for the abundance in my life.
What is your heart longing for in this season? What is wanting to be expressed through you or nurtured in you? Where can you give yourself permission to take a different step? Who needs to be in your corner to walk with you toward your longings?