This was one of the questions we explored deeply in our coach training and revisiting this has been particularly poignant in this season of my life. For me, the answer was clear then and it still holds true –
I have a hard time being with my tears & difficult emotions. I have a lot of judgment toward how I feel.
Right now, I am in the midst of a lot of grief, uncertainty and pain unpacking relationships with the outside world and my own self. I have lots of questions, dreams, and longings for which I do not have answers and I like to have clear answers. Sometimes, the pain of the outside world feels too heavy and the injustices and the voices that are silenced and marginalized makes me want to yell. I am realizing that my hormones can have a big impact on my feelings, and I do not always know how to best take care of myself at certain times of the month. All of this with two little kids and no childcare, camps, and schools (by choice) as I do not have the courage to take a risk (yet!) makes me overwhelmed at times. The monotony of this new life even though I have a taken a lot of steps to honor my needs is making things hard for me. I miss so much of my pre-pandemic life and I know I need to grieve and make space for all that feels raw and tender in this moment.
There are days when it all feels heavy. I am skilled at carrying the weight of my life, but the heaviness is all there. Some days I cry a little and some days a lot. I heal and find reasons and ways to smile and joy. And, there for sure is a LOT of joy and gratitude and I recognize how much privilege I have in my life. And sometimes, it is that very privilege and that others do not that makes me cry. It is my longing to be a part of the solution that makes me cry…
I am good at seeking help and taking care of my needs but being with my feelings is hard and I often want to fix things overnight. I know that I am going through these feelings as I need to learn to sit with my pain, not instantly problem solve or push aside my feelings but stay curious and open to what I am learning. And even though I know this is all an incredible learning opportunity, some days I want to simply give up, drink a glass of wine and escape the reality of my life. I am learning that I do not need to measure my resilience by how little or how much I cry and that all my feelings are okay. My resilience and emotional strength come from accepting all parts of myself, even the ones I am having a hard time being with right now…
What can you not be with? What is the insight beneath that?
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