My first ultrasound: there was a heartbeat, a little seed of life growing in me, I was in joy and in disbelief; experienced a little anxiety and a lot of gratitude.
My second ultrasound, a week later – intuitively it felt different, the doctor’s expressions didn’t signal a positive sign and yes the heartbeat was goneL. The doctor brought me a few wipes but the tears didn’t fall my eyes. It hadn’t sunk in.
I finally felt the pain when I got home. The baby was as big as a blueberry that week and that’s what I called him (I had an intuition that it was a boy!) and I hugged my husband and cried in pain – “I miss our blueberry.” That night the tears didn’t stop.
I had to allow myself to be mindful and create a space to experience my emotions without any judgment. I realized that by allowing myself to experience my true emotions and NOT suppress them, the next day, I felt much better. Day by day, week by week, my wounds were slowly healing.
Despite the pain, the loss, the numerous doctor’s visits, knowing that I won’t have a 9-month baby in my belly this birthday, today, I feel calm and peaceful and most importantly a little wiser than I was before this experience.
Here’s what I learnt –
Clarity and Purpose
My tears taught me how much I wanted to be a mother. I had been in a dilemma for many years unsure if giving birth was my path and I learnt how much this felt like my own authentic calling. Yet, I also learnt that I was a complete human being and on my true path even if nature has a different plan for me and I cannot give birth.
I learnt to accept that there are certain events in life over which I have no control and no matter how hard I try, I have to bow done, with grace and humility.
Ability to Love
I now love every child, every pregnant woman and every mother even more. I have deep respect and appreciation for what it means to be a parent even as I took one tiny step on that journey.
I learnt the power of speaking and sharing your truth and that it takes courage and strength and not weakness to be vulnerable. By sharing my story, I strengthened my relationship with so many people in my life and reminded myself that I wasn’t alone.
I learnt to pause and take a moment to feel grateful for all the things that did go right – amazing family, friends, co-workers and professors who loved and supported me in their own unique ways; access to doctors and nurses who did everything they could to take care of me.
I developed an increased awareness of my own emotions and also improved my ability to empathize for all the other women in the world who may have been on this journey, many of whom may not have access to the resources I had in this difficult period.
Finally this experience brought my husband and me even closer. We bond not just in times of joy and happiness but also through our struggles and adversities.
I had written this post a couple of months after I lost our first baby. I am an incredibly blessed mama to our baby boy, Vivaan!
What have you learnt from your tears and pain? Please join this conversation by sharing your story in the comments below.